When parents talk to me about their fears of their sons' video game playing, I am reminded of how I used the game of baseball to help coach boys. I remember one incident like it was yesterday.
It was a beautiful Arizona spring day. Not a cloud in the sky, cool breeze, and plenty of sunshine. And I was standing on the pitching mound surrounded by a dozen nine and ten year old boys scattered about the baseball diamond. I was throwing batting practice (BP). I turned to face the shortstop, who I had nicknamed "Sport.[1]" Sport had just fielded a weakly hit ground ball and was about to throw it back to the mound. I held my glove chest high, giving him a clear target to aim for.
He faced me, reared back, and I knew before he threw it what was about to happen. He uncorked a weak lob. The ball traced a weak rainbow as it arced across the infield, bounced once, then rolled to a stop at my feet. I could feel my frustration rise. How many times had we practiced this? I tried to mask the expression on my face by swiftly bending over and picking up the ball. I knew the parents were watching, so I couldn't yell at the kid. Sheesh, why did I need parents watching me to think that? A good coach never needed to yell at a kid.
As I stood up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. My players knew. Sport had just screwed up. What was going to happen now? I reminded myself, "Don't be that dad, Novis." No, I was not going to yell at him, but I also could not just ignore what happened.
Holding the ball, I turned sideways, showing Sport the proper technique without telling him. KASH up! Knee, ankle, shoulder, hip to target. Then I threw the ball back to him and said, "Do it again, do it right." More of my frustration crept into my voice than I wanted. I knew it sounded harsh, but when he did it right, I would make up for it. I knew Sport could throw a ball well. I had seen him do it. But now, with everyone on the team watching, this was going to be a teaching moment or a disaster. I was praying for the teaching moment.
Sport caught the ball. I gave him a fresh target, raising my glove shoulder high but also a little closer to him. I reminded him, "Throw it through me, not to me." He nodded, then turned sideways, just like I had done, and fired a frozen rope right into my glove. It landed with a solid whack as I closed the leather around it. "Now that's how you throw a ball," I told him, happy to let the pride show in my tone. "That's who you are, that's how you throw. Like that, all the time. Every time." As I turned away I could see Sport nod. It was a small confident gesture, but I felt it. He knew. He wasn't that weak-sauce-lollypop-throw kid. He was a strong-armed shortstop who could zip the ball across the diamond.
Building a Sense of Self
I once heard my high school football coach tell my parents that he did not coach football players. Coach Sutter helped raise good men. I wanted to do the same. So baseball had become my workshop. I coached young boys learning to become young men.
Frustrations aside, it was important to give Sport another chance to throw the ball the right way. He needed the opportunity to prove to himself, and his teammates, he was someone they could rely on. We all make mistakes, but in practice, I could give the boys a do-over. The boys needed to see themselves perform a skill well, under pressure. That was why Sport needed to do it again, and do it right. Actions inform identity. You can say you're a good shortstop. People can tell you that you are a good shortstop. However, if you can't throw the ball across the diamond with any consistency, do you really believe it? My experience said no.
By coaching baseball I could help my son and his friends build their identity as competent, capable young men. But what if you don't coach a sport like baseball? Or, what if your son has fallen out of team sports (or never joined) and now finds himself deeply enmeshed in the world of video games? Is it possible to make that your platform for coaching your son to become a good man?
In my experience, absolutely. I have done it at GameTruck, and so can you. With video games, however, you need to take a slightly different approach. In baseball, I could coach in the moment because I was on the field. I saw Sport's weak throw and gave him another chance right then and there. But chances are you won't be in the video game. So instead of coaching in the moment, you coach about the moments. You do this by helping your son find the game experiences that matter and connecting those memories in a new way.
Here's How You Start
Begin with a question. Ask your son, "You seem like you are pretty good at (fill in the game). What skill did you learn that made you so good?" If you are worried that you don't know his game well enough to understand the answer, you can ask instead, "What makes you good at this game?"
His answer is likely game specific, such as "I'm really good at edgeguarding"[2] He could say he's really good at "Ramp Rushes",[3] or he could say he's skilled at "ceiling shots and air dribbles."[4] It is more important that he answers, than the specific answer.
And if you don't understand the answer, that's okay! Go ahead and admit it! But then ask him for clarification. Say, "I don't understand what that means. Can you explain it to me?" Your curiosity is like a flashlight shining a light on his felt sense of competence. Armed with that information, you can ask follow-up questions such as:
- "Is (fill in the skill) hard to learn?"
- "When does that come into play?"
- "What are you working on now?", or
- "What skill would you have to develop to take your game to the next level?"
Your focus on skills will help him recognize his learning moments. You might even say, "That sounds like it took real dedication to learn."
In practice, I could see Sport make a mistake, then coach him to fix it, and praise him for doing so. I reinforced Sport's sense of self. You can help your son see himself as someone who strives to do the right thing. When you know what your son is good at in the game and the level of effort required to achieve that skill, you can observe he is committed to developing competence. You now have one concrete example he can begin to build a healthier identity around. He faces challenges, develops skills, and persists until he overcomes the challenge.
And the best news is that you don't have to wait until practice to begin. You can start right now, where you are. Give it a try and see how that works for you.
End Notes
- I gave all the kids nicknames for two reasons. First, if you have three Kevins, two Toms, or brothers with the same last name, nicknames are fast, fun, and easy. Second, they are part of the sport. Who hasn't heard of Shoeless Joe Jackson thanks to Field of Dreams? ↩︎
- A key skill in Smash Bros Ultimate. ↩︎
- A Fortnite skill where you use aggressive building to approach an opponent. ↩︎
- These are advanced techniques for Rocket League. ↩︎
